MY New World

As I sit here slowly trying to absorb all that has been disclosed to me as of late about my diagnosis I find myself getting upset. Mental illness wasn’t allowed in my family and I found out through my attorney that I now have 7 mental health diagnosis. 7, really? Then she listed each one off and we had to talk about it, it was worse than therapy. Since then I find I feel more depressed at my Dx and my inability to live a “normal” life.

I find myself being paranoid of how others talk to me and see me and I find I am crying a lot over it all. The stigma, the shame of being mentally challenged. I think I was better off just being fed their pills not knowing all of my episodes and their meanings. I never felt paranoid before this talk with my attorney.

Delusional Psychosis is the new DX. First, Delusional wow, what a word. Then another psychosis dx, no biggie. But if you put them together that is an extreme behavior to not be aware you are exhibiting.

I was also told that I ahve 2 Dr’s that have deemed me unfit for work, not because of my physical ailments but because of my mental ones. 2 Dr’s that don’t know each other at all. So I can’t hide it anylonger.

So I am doing what I tell my peers. I am taking one thing at a time and slowly working through the process of knowing my own illness first hand finally after all these years. Sometimes I am in tears but most of the time I just sit here a thinking and hoping that I don’t look and act as bad as my Dx says I am.

The little things….

This applies to everyone in life. As we age we take on more and more responsibility, giving us less and less time for ourselves. We have so many things that bombard us daily that we forget the little things we do in life for others and also ourselves. Today I will share about one little thing I have started doing again.

My whole life I have always worn mascara but no make up. My eyes are a bright blue with mascara. Well with each child my skin care routine got to be less and less until I wasn’t doing anything about it unless showering.

Well, for about 3 weeks not I have been remembering to deep clean my face with a facial every morning, putting mascara on also an aging cream(lol). I must say I am walking around with my head held higher and feeling more confident in everything I do. Now I don’t know what exactly is helping the self esteem…looking in the mirror and liking my reflection or the compliments I have been getting. Either way it feels good to feel good.

I am sharing because I feel we forget the little things that make us feel good about ourselves as we get older….so this is a reminder to take 5 minutes for you every day any way you wish and I bet you start liking what you see in the mirror too.

Inner Peace

Written by my Father…..

His life without his wife…

by Kelly Morley on Friday, May 11, 2012 at 8:25am ·

It’s a “befuddled” kinda Friday…I’ve always respected my mother more than my father for one reason alone…my mother engaged life; my father did not…today, at age 87, my dad resides in an assisted living center where he is well cared for…however, he spends much of his time sitting alone and repeating his latest mantra – “I’m just so beside myself”…what he is feeling is a loss of purpose…for most of his adult life my father made his wife the center of his focus; that is laudable but not without consequences…my father put all of his focus on Mom and her wishes…I do not blame my mother for this; she was not, as you may unjustly assume, a demanding shrew in that way…Mom tried to get Dad to develop himself and pursue hobbies and interests…he would not!!…my mother tried her hand at everything…in her sixties she took up pistol shooting, she painted landscapes (one of her works hangs over my commode — touching, eh?), she tried to learn the organ (stop it, Spanky, this is my mother I am talking about!), she did craft projects, at age 70 she got serious about playing poker and enjoyed trips to the casino in Biloxi, she taught Sunday School and was on a bowling league, she took brisk morning walks around their community — as much to visit with her neighbors as for her physical well being…well, you get the point…she was active and it showed in her mental attitude…my mother would not surrender to age nor would she buckle to the threats of the 5 bouts she had with cancer…my father, on the other hand, prepared his mind for nothing and cringes at the slightest hint of pain and discomfort…I am not being cruel; I am saddened to observe my father everyday as he reaps the fruit of what he has sown…”as a man thinks, so is he”…that is to say that we must prepare our minds to live the way we need to live…I never saw my father read a book, watch a play, write a letter, go to a ballgame (including his own son’s),go hiking, ride a bike (Harley or Schwinn)or just have a drink with his chums…he lived to work; that’s it!…I now realize that the world was both threatening and annoying to Dad…his own childhood had a great impact on his lifelong cynical attitude (I’ve shared some that with you)…but what he failed at was realizing it was up to him to mold his own mind and thoughts…he retreated into work and making money…now he sits alone with enough money to live another 30 years; but he doesn’t know what to do with it!!  he has cultivated no purpose in living other than pleasing his wife…now she is gone and his purpose is gone…”I am just so beside myself”…I watch my dad sadly but I do not feel sorry for him…he is not a pure victim of circumstance, he is a victim of his own choices…others who reside in the same facility as my father have much different attitudes…one sweet gal named Beth talks softly but we always have a pleasant conversation; she knows how to do that…she works on her puzzles and keeps abreast of current events…she is not “beside herself”…the point is, Dad has not suffered or endured anything that all of these others have not…Dad has lost a great deal in the last year; but so have they all…so will we all!!…Dad has not been “smitten” anymore than Beth, Harold, Cappy, John, Clark, “Aunt Della”, Chuck, Edsel or the others…but he alone sits in bewilderment and can’t find a purpose in the day…his partial dementia contributes to some sense of aloneness but Dad was not demented 45 years ago; I recall the same man then that I see now…I love my father very much!; I tell him that everyday and never leave without giving him a kiss…I am so indebted to him for providing for my physical needs in childhood…I am so proud of him for being a good provider…I so want to make him as contented and comfortable as possible…but I do not beat myself up because Dad chose to form his mind a certain way and is now stuck with it; it may be too late to change but we are trying…choose well, my friends, how you are developing your person; it is the one you have to live with when the lights go out and you find yourself all alone in the dark…the ducks on the pond rarely choose a solitary existence…and Mother Parker says the pot is brewed in hopes you’ll share.

~ Thank you for reading.

My Birthday

Traditionally my birthday is a horrific day for me, something bad, like big bad always happens on my birthday. So far today is an exception. I awoke early with my youngest. I have cleaned my entire house and also gotten in a shower and it isn’t even lunch time yet.

Today is going to be a good and normal day. That is all I ever wish for my birthday. Makes it for a great memory. By normal I mean listening to my music, no fights, no added stress and meds that are working to make my mind work properly. That in itself is very rare.

So today I am going to lay low and enjoy my day in every way. My hope is everyone who takes the time to read this is blessed and has a great day as you look towards the future!!! Peace and Love!!!

Embracing Change!!!

Oh the possibilities that lay ahead are so endless. I feel that I am about to bloom and be the person I have been training to be for 39 years. That is a leader, counselor, mother, friend, daughter and individual. Someone who takes the bull by the horns and stares fear in the face. Some of that I used to be, but wasn’t so good at it. Now after all I have been through I am finally seeing the light shining through and seeing all of the heartache and experience come to fruition.

It is a very empowering and peaceful feeling to know you are on the right path and to recognize that you have been all along. Sometimes , some of us need to take the crooked road because our journey isn’t supposed to be boring and melancholy. Everything does happen for a reason. We can choose to let is build us up or tear us down.

I don’t know if it is the road less traveled but mine sure needs some work and I am here and ready to give it my all. I am committing to one year of intense therapy next week. My goal is to come out on the other end stable and the leader I was meant to be so I can help others out of the darkness. After all what good is our experience if we don’t use it to help those in need. Peace and love.

May your journey build you up and fill your soul!!

Seek another way

Balancing Act

Life has this way of piling up on a person. Everyday we deal with numerous situations that were not in the plans. Now while someone who appears to be normal may manage these little turns in the road with little effort.

Wherin someone like myself sees these little turns as bumps instead of the turns that they are. The bumps can be far more disturbing and stick quite a bit longer. For no real reason other than we tend to over analyze every little situation that we come across.

I have never found over analysis to be beneficial to myself or my family, yet medicated I still do it with every turn I take in life. It is necessary for us, being bi-polar to have an excellent support system.  One that can help to shut our brains down when we start doing what we do best….over-analyzing.

I have a  couple of people in my world that can do this for me making me truly blessed as for many they were put in this position alone in life. We are strong whether alone or banded with friends.

Over analysis makes us weak even with the best of friends. So trust your gut and let it go if it needs to be gone. Don’t hold on simply to weaken your self by overstretching and over analyzing. Let go and just watch what happens as the flowers bloom in the garden.

Hiding

Many of us hide parts of our lives for various reasons. Many of us hide the loved ones in our lives too…or maybe we have been the one hidden. Either way to hide someone or something you are saying I can NOT accept you fully so therefore you must remain in the shadows.

I have had the privelage of being hidden in the shadows for most of my life. Not hidden in such a way to be made to feel safe, but hidden like thrown to the wolves whenever it is not acceptable or comfortable for one to be around me. When they come back they always have some excuse about how they were trying to protect me blah blah blah…

Reality is they are afraid to be seen with me or around me for they never know when the next episode might happen. Well I am here to tell those of you who hide others that eventually they will get sick of being thrown to the curb when it’s not cool  for them to be around and they will find those like them that don’t hide them but accept them through the good and bad.

Personally I will no longer tolerate part time friendships. One way friendships or those that only need me when it is handy for them. I am tired of being hidden, not accepted and not understood. If that means I spend my days to myself that is better than being thrown to the wolves when I get in the way.

I have had so many promises made to me, the funny thing is, people for some reason seem to think breaking a promise to me is acceptable. I am gonna say it one time….the only thing they can’t take from you is your word. Only you can take your word away  by not keeping it.

Good bye

Good bye is not a term I prefer to use for it means forever. Well tonight I am saying good bye. Good bye to allowing myself to be hurt and subjected to feeling of inferiority. I say good bye to constant wondering and doubt.

I will also be saying Hello to the unknown for it is better than what I know right now. I will be saying Hello to my personal freedom to be me without fear of rejection. I will say Hello to speaking my mind without fear and prejudice.

So good bye to those that have brought me down. Good bye to the person that allows this to happen….and Hello new world!!!

Boy I sure do hope I am strong enough for this as it is my first time saying goodbye.