Sleep Deprived

There are many negatives to being manic, for me the worst one I deal with is being sleep deprived. Many out there know what I am talking about. On average I need 10 hours of sleep a day and can never seem to get it so I am always running low or just blah because I haven’t slept.

Yesterday in my mania I cleaned the entire house and finally made it to bed at 1 am only to have the alarm go off 5 hours later. I swore I would go back to bed after I got my son off to school but for many made up reasons I have not made it here yet. It is the hypo that is keeping me from laying down and finding peace in my brain.

Everyone is different for me this could go on for days making me more disorientated and flaring the BP and BPD symptoms causing all kinds of chaos. Lets hope this manic feeling is only short lived and I level out soon. Better than depression but far my harmfuil to your system and relationships.

Not around or am I?

I haven’t been posting much lately. I have been going through medication changes and have been pretty depressed and stagnant. Today I am happy to report that the medication is finally working in my favor. I broke through a fever today only to clean the entire house, top to bottom. Yes you can say I am at least hypo if not becoming full blown manic.

I feel refreshed for the first time in months, I feel like me but stable. Such a great feeling to experience after the medication roller coaster I have been on. Unfortunately I am sensitive to most medications so finding a combo that worked for me has been especially difficult. It was only by coincidence when my pdoc asked what other medications I was on and one of them is also a psych drug so she just upped the dose and after 2 weeks I am starting to feel like the poison is leaving my body and renewed energy is entering. Thank God, I absolutely hate the depressed thuggish doped up feeling as a side effect to my illness.

Oh fun times they also added to my dx so now I am officially dx’d with BP1/ultrian cycling, PTSD, BPD, depressive psychosis and delusional psychosis. It makes one feel so special to not be simple. I know this baggage is to be used to stomp out the stigma of Mental Illness, hopefully I will make it better for the next generation as one can truly suffer with this illness.

Peace and Love to all!!!!!

Mental Blocks

About a month ago I was put on a new medication. Well not new, but new for me. Since that time I have found myself feeling out of sorts. By that I mean not myself. I can’t seem to study or write and these are 2 things I love to do. I am also having a hard time keeping up with the family…..but my moods are stable.

So when is enough to much? Is it the right thing to do if you can’t attend to your family as you should or yourself for that matter? Is taking this medication good? The answer is no, but I have no choice. See when I don’t have my medication I am far worse at all areas of life than on it. It is just different.

Now while I think this is rough on me to take this medication ….I have to stop and remember what I am like without it and that is a scary thought. I love my family, I just wanna be me for a day is all. I miss me.

Meds

Whether you have any illness the last thing you want to hear is that you will be without your meds for a week. Well that was my week. I was told Monday my script would be filled yet it didn’t get filled until Thursday. Just enough time for the medication to completely leave my system and for me to be reminded of how horrible it is to live with a brain and body that simply want to fight each other.

I can’t remember the last 2 days. I have spent most of them sleeping while the medication re enters my system. Surprisingly I made it through the week without major incident. Boy it was a lot of hard work though keeping myself under societal control. It is a damn shame that those without physical or mental issues judge what they don’t know.

There are many day I wish I was “normal” but when I start whining for “normal” I am reminded in some way that “normal” isn’t my path….Thankfully!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Day 11

Other than exhaustion from having 5 children and 4 adults to care for the blending of 2 families is going pretty smooth. I am learning to let things finally roll off my back. My mental issues seem to be in check thus far and things are getting accomplished.

I apologize for my short blogs. I have so much I want to share but by the time I can get to it I am plum exhausted.

My new meds are definitely working. I am feeling less anxiety and am by far having a better routine by sleeping at night and most importantly learning a day time routine where a nap isn’t required. So far so good. Woohoo!!!!

Oh My

Wow there are 4 adults and 5 children in my home. This is the third day. I am sick with a cold. The other lady of the house has bronchitis. @ of the kids, one mine and one hers are teething…..my youngest is running a fever….her oldest is fine…but my oldest got sent home because he took his night medicine instead of his day medication and the principal said he was exhibiting strange behaviors and acted drugged, he is 13. Wow!!!

I am feeling very overwhelmed and paralyzed to function. It doesn’t help that this weather is overcast and rainy with a chill in the air. My hip is killing me and my brain is on overdrive. There is so much to be done and I am unable to do any of it…mentally or physically.

I don’t know what this month is going to bring but chaos and I do not get along. The Dr took away my anxiety meds….nice move……oh my is all I can say. Oh My!!!! I will survive!!! One thing one step at a time….by force….

What routine?

My dad used to preach at me all the time about having a routine. Well I finally found a spot in life where I could have a routine. Maybe not the most ideal one, but none the less a routine.

My routine consisted of waking up, taking my medication, cleaning the kitchen, Lr, making the bed, doing laundry, schoolwork and so on. I would also take a nap in there somewhere for about 4 hours because of the way my medication was prescribed.

Not really a stable routine but one I could mentally handle. Ever since the Doctor changed my medication all around I still get tired but later in the day and not as bad. I don’t know if it is habit to be sleeping at this time or simple boredom that makes me tired.

What I do know is that I enjoy having my days back even if a nap is required every now and again. So far today I have cleaned the house, set up my replacement cell phone, completed 8 loads of blankets and even squeezed in some homework.

As I type this I find I am fading fast. I wish I knew why because I would really like to make it through a whole day without a nap.

It is time to find a new routine. Hopefully one with more structure and balance. Yeah right, but I can try. Peace and Love to all!!!

Med Changes

We all fear them, some so much that they never take them. I don’t have much to say right now. I have been going through a med change the last 2 days. Uggggg. I like to stay positive so I will be hopeful that I begin to feel better soon. Peace and Love to all!!!

Some Symptoms of a Mania!!!

Here is a list of common Bp mania symptoms….please remember this is just a partial list of manic syptoms!!!

Excessive happiness, hopefulness, and excitement
Sudden changes from being joyful to being irritable, angry, and hostile
Restlessness, increased energy, and less need for sleep
Rapid talk, talkativeness
Distractibility
Racing thoughts
High sex drive
Tendency to make grand and unattainable plans
Tendency to show poor judgment, such as deciding to quit a job
Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity — unrealistic beliefs in one’s ability, intelligence, and powers; may be delusional
Increased reckless behaviors (such as lavish spending sprees, impulsive sexual indiscretions, abuse of alcohol or drugs, or ill-advised business decisions)

Embracing Change!!!

Oh the possibilities that lay ahead are so endless. I feel that I am about to bloom and be the person I have been training to be for 39 years. That is a leader, counselor, mother, friend, daughter and individual. Someone who takes the bull by the horns and stares fear in the face. Some of that I used to be, but wasn’t so good at it. Now after all I have been through I am finally seeing the light shining through and seeing all of the heartache and experience come to fruition.

It is a very empowering and peaceful feeling to know you are on the right path and to recognize that you have been all along. Sometimes , some of us need to take the crooked road because our journey isn’t supposed to be boring and melancholy. Everything does happen for a reason. We can choose to let is build us up or tear us down.

I don’t know if it is the road less traveled but mine sure needs some work and I am here and ready to give it my all. I am committing to one year of intense therapy next week. My goal is to come out on the other end stable and the leader I was meant to be so I can help others out of the darkness. After all what good is our experience if we don’t use it to help those in need. Peace and love.

May your journey build you up and fill your soul!!