I went to a Casino in Detroit 8 years ago today. I put a Dollar bill in a dollar slot machine and won almost $5, 000. Just one dollar. Walked up to the machine and won. The person I was with asked for a couple of bucks to play on so I obliged, handing them $500, while I went and played black jack for a few hours. I won another$ 4, 500 at the black jack table. In the end I walked out with about $9,ooo. I rarely ever gamble, even in life, that day was a rare one for me.
On my way home I stopped at the outlet malls and bought myself a whole new wardrobe, an emerald/diamond ring for my bday. Clothes for my children and all kind of stuff. I still came home with about $7000.
As I drove into town I was blasting the radio, laughing, singing and absolutely in love with life. I had never been higher than that moment. I had people asking why I was so happy, I mean strangers asking as I drove down the road. I was contagious and I was lovin’ every minute of it.
Little did I know that the next day was going to be the worst day of my life. I lost a great friend and partner. He killed himself…he was planning it..but my words the next day were brutal. I won’t go into more detail. I did learn that day that your words can carry some life altering weight, what a hard lesson.
Ever since then I have been afraid to feel happy because I feel as if I was punished for being so happy by his death. Make sense?
So for the last 8 years I have just been existing until about a month ago. I am not fully awakened yet but I am trying and forcing myself to feel when I automatically shut down. I am making great progress, and look forward to freeing myself of the guilt that is keeping me from enjoying my life.
I am reaching out and allowing my heart to open up to friends and family. I have gotten myself the psychological help I finally need. I am focused more than ever on having a real life, a normal one(lol). I am strong and a survivor and I know that no matter what happens…I learned this 8 years ago..I can handle it. My goal however is to handle things in a more timely manner. 8 years is a very long time to carry the guilt I have carried with me.
So from now on I will use the positives from this incident and not focus on the negatives. I will choose my words with care. I will focus on the friends I am making and the strides I am taking. I will focus on opening up and finally blossoming. I will focus on being the woman I am meant to be. I will learn to let others in again and no longer be broken. I will devote my life to my children. I will focus on getting back in to work as well. I will finish my schooling and I will continue to mentor others as needed. I will be an open book from now on and live completely instead of through the slot in the door.
Wishing everyone Peace and Love!!!