8 years ago today…..

I went to a Casino in Detroit 8 years ago today. I put a Dollar bill in a dollar slot machine and won almost $5, 000. Just one dollar. Walked up to the machine and won. The person I was with asked for a couple of bucks to play on so I obliged, handing them $500, while I went and played black jack for a few hours. I won another$ 4, 500 at the black jack table. In the end I walked out with about $9,ooo.  I rarely ever gamble, even in life, that day was a rare one for me.

On my way home I stopped at the outlet malls and bought myself a whole new wardrobe, an emerald/diamond ring for my bday. Clothes for my children and all kind of stuff. I still came home with about $7000.

As I drove into town I was blasting the radio, laughing, singing and absolutely in love with life. I had never been higher than that moment. I had people asking why I was so happy, I mean strangers asking as I drove down the road. I was contagious and I was lovin’ every minute of it.

Little did I know that the next day was going to be the worst day of my life. I lost a great friend and partner. He killed himself…he was planning it..but my words the next day were brutal. I won’t go into more detail. I did learn that day that your words can carry some life altering weight, what a hard lesson.

Ever since then I have been afraid to feel happy because I feel as if I was punished for being so happy by his death. Make sense?

So for the last 8 years I have just been existing until about a month ago. I am not fully awakened yet but I am trying and forcing myself to feel when I automatically shut down.  I am making great progress, and look forward to freeing myself of the guilt that is keeping me from enjoying my life.

I am reaching out and allowing my heart to open up to friends and family. I have gotten myself the psychological help I finally need. I am focused more than ever on having a real life, a normal one(lol). I am strong and a survivor and I know that no matter what happens…I learned this 8 years ago..I can handle it. My goal however is to handle things in a more timely manner. 8 years is a very long time to carry the guilt I have carried with me.

So from now on I will use the positives from this incident and not focus on the negatives. I will choose my words with care. I will focus on the friends I am making and the strides I am taking. I will focus on opening up and finally blossoming. I will focus on being the woman I am meant to be. I will learn to let others in again and no longer be broken. I will devote my life to my children. I will focus on getting back in to work as well. I will finish my schooling and I will continue to mentor others as needed. I will be an open book from now on and live completely instead of through the slot in the door.

Wishing everyone Peace and Love!!!

Embracing Change!!!

Oh the possibilities that lay ahead are so endless. I feel that I am about to bloom and be the person I have been training to be for 39 years. That is a leader, counselor, mother, friend, daughter and individual. Someone who takes the bull by the horns and stares fear in the face. Some of that I used to be, but wasn’t so good at it. Now after all I have been through I am finally seeing the light shining through and seeing all of the heartache and experience come to fruition.

It is a very empowering and peaceful feeling to know you are on the right path and to recognize that you have been all along. Sometimes , some of us need to take the crooked road because our journey isn’t supposed to be boring and melancholy. Everything does happen for a reason. We can choose to let is build us up or tear us down.

I don’t know if it is the road less traveled but mine sure needs some work and I am here and ready to give it my all. I am committing to one year of intense therapy next week. My goal is to come out on the other end stable and the leader I was meant to be so I can help others out of the darkness. After all what good is our experience if we don’t use it to help those in need. Peace and love.

May your journey build you up and fill your soul!!