Sleep Deprived

There are many negatives to being manic, for me the worst one I deal with is being sleep deprived. Many out there know what I am talking about. On average I need 10 hours of sleep a day and can never seem to get it so I am always running low or just blah because I haven’t slept.

Yesterday in my mania I cleaned the entire house and finally made it to bed at 1 am only to have the alarm go off 5 hours later. I swore I would go back to bed after I got my son off to school but for many made up reasons I have not made it here yet. It is the hypo that is keeping me from laying down and finding peace in my brain.

Everyone is different for me this could go on for days making me more disorientated and flaring the BP and BPD symptoms causing all kinds of chaos. Lets hope this manic feeling is only short lived and I level out soon. Better than depression but far my harmfuil to your system and relationships.

Not around or am I?

I haven’t been posting much lately. I have been going through medication changes and have been pretty depressed and stagnant. Today I am happy to report that the medication is finally working in my favor. I broke through a fever today only to clean the entire house, top to bottom. Yes you can say I am at least hypo if not becoming full blown manic.

I feel refreshed for the first time in months, I feel like me but stable. Such a great feeling to experience after the medication roller coaster I have been on. Unfortunately I am sensitive to most medications so finding a combo that worked for me has been especially difficult. It was only by coincidence when my pdoc asked what other medications I was on and one of them is also a psych drug so she just upped the dose and after 2 weeks I am starting to feel like the poison is leaving my body and renewed energy is entering. Thank God, I absolutely hate the depressed thuggish doped up feeling as a side effect to my illness.

Oh fun times they also added to my dx so now I am officially dx’d with BP1/ultrian cycling, PTSD, BPD, depressive psychosis and delusional psychosis. It makes one feel so special to not be simple. I know this baggage is to be used to stomp out the stigma of Mental Illness, hopefully I will make it better for the next generation as one can truly suffer with this illness.

Peace and Love to all!!!!!

MY New World

As I sit here slowly trying to absorb all that has been disclosed to me as of late about my diagnosis I find myself getting upset. Mental illness wasn’t allowed in my family and I found out through my attorney that I now have 7 mental health diagnosis. 7, really? Then she listed each one off and we had to talk about it, it was worse than therapy. Since then I find I feel more depressed at my Dx and my inability to live a “normal” life.

I find myself being paranoid of how others talk to me and see me and I find I am crying a lot over it all. The stigma, the shame of being mentally challenged. I think I was better off just being fed their pills not knowing all of my episodes and their meanings. I never felt paranoid before this talk with my attorney.

Delusional Psychosis is the new DX. First, Delusional wow, what a word. Then another psychosis dx, no biggie. But if you put them together that is an extreme behavior to not be aware you are exhibiting.

I was also told that I ahve 2 Dr’s that have deemed me unfit for work, not because of my physical ailments but because of my mental ones. 2 Dr’s that don’t know each other at all. So I can’t hide it anylonger.

So I am doing what I tell my peers. I am taking one thing at a time and slowly working through the process of knowing my own illness first hand finally after all these years. Sometimes I am in tears but most of the time I just sit here a thinking and hoping that I don’t look and act as bad as my Dx says I am.

Really, it’s true…Stable is a real word

You can have mental illness and be stable….it is possible. So many I know feel so helpless because they are being treated by pdocs that really don’t care or know what is going on in current MI medicine and treatment. 5 months ago I was forced to change things around and I love my primary but I found out that the way she prescribed my medications improperly for my dx….now that I deal with someone who only deals with MI I have noticed I am far more stable and feel like I can have a future now where once it seemed hopeless.

I would never wish this or any other illness on anyone. I do recommend to all those with BP1 that you talkk to the doc about mood stabalizers instead of antidepressants because a good mood stabilizer will definitely make life far more tolerable.

I am not a Dr, just someone who has been playing this game for 25 years now and I finally have the needed answers, so if I can help anyone not waste as much time as I have then that is certainly a bonus.

Keep fighting the fight , one day you will win

Rome…

….wasn’t built in a day…interesting we forget this profound statement when we are trying to take care of ourselves. Many give up and stop fighting the fight simply because they feel alone. This may sound cold…we are all alone…no one other person knows the inside of ourselves but us. Make sense?

In other words your mania may not be what an other persons mania might be. Your pain tolerance may be different from anothers.

This doesn’t mean that we need to try to compare or judge…what not knowing to the core feels like for another we need to simply support and remember we are all different and unique.

Don’t ever forget your path is for you and only you to feel. Others are simply bumpers so your ball stays in the lane

The little things….

This applies to everyone in life. As we age we take on more and more responsibility, giving us less and less time for ourselves. We have so many things that bombard us daily that we forget the little things we do in life for others and also ourselves. Today I will share about one little thing I have started doing again.

My whole life I have always worn mascara but no make up. My eyes are a bright blue with mascara. Well with each child my skin care routine got to be less and less until I wasn’t doing anything about it unless showering.

Well, for about 3 weeks not I have been remembering to deep clean my face with a facial every morning, putting mascara on also an aging cream(lol). I must say I am walking around with my head held higher and feeling more confident in everything I do. Now I don’t know what exactly is helping the self esteem…looking in the mirror and liking my reflection or the compliments I have been getting. Either way it feels good to feel good.

I am sharing because I feel we forget the little things that make us feel good about ourselves as we get older….so this is a reminder to take 5 minutes for you every day any way you wish and I bet you start liking what you see in the mirror too.

Things are Good

I find I am always afraid to be happy because , I know this is dumb, but…I feel if bad things happen to others it is my fault because I was happy. I know it sounds out there but it has dictated my behaviors and my depressive state for a very long time now.

I am not entirely sure why I am writing about it today. Nothing bad is happening in my world. Everyone I lvoe is safe tonight yet I find I can’t enjoy that. I really don’t enjoy much. BUt I am not depressed.

I have simply had to make my life streamlined in order to get the the daily motions of being a daughter, mother, friend, student and girlfriend. That is quite a bit for someone who has severe mental illness(s).

There has been so much positive change in my world but it is happening all in the midst of chaos, so I am having a hard time understanding reality.

I have been living in a deja vu for a couple of weeks now. I absolutely hate that because it usually means something bad is going to happen. I don’t look for the bad but I do fear it after all I ahve been through.

Hopefully I am finally able to get some rest. Sweet Dreams and Peace to all out there!!!!

Oh My

Wow there are 4 adults and 5 children in my home. This is the third day. I am sick with a cold. The other lady of the house has bronchitis. @ of the kids, one mine and one hers are teething…..my youngest is running a fever….her oldest is fine…but my oldest got sent home because he took his night medicine instead of his day medication and the principal said he was exhibiting strange behaviors and acted drugged, he is 13. Wow!!!

I am feeling very overwhelmed and paralyzed to function. It doesn’t help that this weather is overcast and rainy with a chill in the air. My hip is killing me and my brain is on overdrive. There is so much to be done and I am unable to do any of it…mentally or physically.

I don’t know what this month is going to bring but chaos and I do not get along. The Dr took away my anxiety meds….nice move……oh my is all I can say. Oh My!!!! I will survive!!! One thing one step at a time….by force….

Med Changes

We all fear them, some so much that they never take them. I don’t have much to say right now. I have been going through a med change the last 2 days. Uggggg. I like to stay positive so I will be hopeful that I begin to feel better soon. Peace and Love to all!!!

I am vs. I have

This is a short but very important post.

People with mental illnesses usually say I AM bipolar. I AM Schizophrenic.

Now here is the important part. If you say I AM…then you are saying the illness is you and it defines you.

Instead of saying I am mentally ill one should say I HAVE mental illness. For mental illness is like any other disease.

Example: You don’t hear people say I AM cancer. People say I HAVE cancer. It means it is a PART of them NOT ALL of them.

By saying I HAVE instead of I AM you are defining the illness and not yourself.

There is so much more to a person than their illness.

My Aunt taught me this years ago.