Feelin good

I am no longer in a manic depression. Woohoo!!! The extra Prozac seems to be working. I am feeling like myself for the first time in a long time. I am not stressing every single word or situation. I have been able to do what is needed for my family and household. It feels really good to finally be gettin some things done without the sense of impending doom hanging over me.

I have to start seeing a Pdoc again. I am a bit nervous about it, but unlike last time, I know what I am talking about and how to explain what is inside of me. So I am hopeful that this will be a great step in my life for not only myself but for my children, family and friends. We are all exhausted from dealing with me these last 2+ months.

I am excited at the prospect of getting some of my life back. Being able to work and function in society without fear of every little thing. I am so grateful today!!!!!!

Doubt and fear

Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not alive. So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right

Found

Peace in every Soul

If you look closely you will find peace in every soul. ~MONK

Ya ever have that Friend…

You know the one who is always right. I don’t mean they think they are, but I mean they really are and to top it off they ahve such a way of saying it without being offensive or destructive that it is absolutely amazing.

Well I have a friend like this. A truly magnificent friend. I owe them for the fact that I am starting to get my life back and that I am starting to feel again and take control of my world and looking for the positives.

Friends like that are a once in a lifetime thing. This person is so amazing and wonderful that I truly feel blessed to know them.

Busy Busy

There is so much going on everyday I find that it is only late at night that I get to stop moving. I am simply exhausted and don’t know how much longer I can hold on and keep it together. I am doing the best that I can for my family. Keeping up on all my tasks and theirs, keeping appointments.

But something is really eating at me. I am and have always been second best. So when I begin to feel that from a person I am learning I load up my plate so full there is no room for error or pain.

My plate is now full.

Past

Consumed

I am so consumed with the fact that my dreams could finally come true but wont. I kept myself occupied today and took 4 exams, doing very good on them I  might add. But then as soon as that is over the pain starts to set in all over again.

It has been 3 weeks since I have slept for more than 2 hours at a time and at some point a melt down will happen. I just hope I don’t hurt myself or burn too many bridges when it happens. Sad, I know it is coming yet there is no de railing the train.

“I wish nothing but the best for you……”

It all comes around to it

There comes a time when you have to be the strong one and walk away because the pain is entirely way to much to endure. I have been mulling this decision for quite some time now. Believe me I don’t want to but I now know I have to. It will be the first time I have ever done this and I pray I can do it. I don’t quite know how, but it will get done despite the pain I already feel from having to make the choice let alone follow through on it.

I hope I find the strength for it will be the hardest thing I have done so far in my life. I am not at all looking forward to it and don’t know when I will do it, but it has to be soon, very soon.

Drained

I am simply drained. I need to be plugged in and recharged emotionally. I have had a barrage of things come at me this week. I have been feeling so overwhelmed that I have been paralyzed with fear so much that going to the fridge for a pop is difficult.

Tonight I had the privelage of chatting with a good friend in person and they are simply frustrated because they can see all the good in me, but they know I have been trained to focus on the negative. They spent their precious time to try to help me have a better life and thought process. That is a true friend.

So I have been redirected and not totally feeling it yet but trying. While having the convo, I have heard before, I was sitting there thinking about how to accomplish what they were saying and forget the negative instead of amplifying it. No luck as to a technique yet.  But I made a promise to make it my focus for the next 2 days.

The convo tonight was about retraining my brain to think of all the positives to a situation instead of thinking of the negatives first. Therefore instead of telling myself I can’t do it, when in reality I probably can and should. Cause I know I have some serious talent and dammit it if I wanna waste it.

Thank you my friend for exhausting yourself trying to help me get in a better spot. I think it is working and I guarantee it was heard and I will try to apply it. Promise I will do the best I can.